Funeral arrangements

Don't worry. No one died. At least no one died that I know of.

I just wanted the friends of the PRF to know my wishes when I leave this ol' world. Ever think about what kind of funeral you want? No? I do. But then again, I go to quite a few funerals where I don't know the person and so I spend time thinking about my own.

Listen up! Because this is what I want and I want this followed explicitly!

I want to be cremated with my ashes spread over the turf at Sanford. I know it's against the rules, just figure it out! Actually, I want some there, some at Floral Hills, and some outside Strokers where I once met an ebony angel named Misty Fields who...nevermind. Stick with Sanford and that'll do just fine.

While they're in transit, keep my ashes away from Everhart! Don't ask me questions, just do it.

Prelude - Happy Songs (I'm not real picky here, just nothing funeral-ish. Gospel is fine, maybe some Sinatra, some Willie Nelson, throw in some Simon and Garfunkel)

Then I want each of you to take part in a musical calvacade of sorts. I want Haynes and Jebo "L'il Elvis" Pressly to play something on the guitar. Or, we could simply watch Haynes listen to his iPod, entertaining in of itself and ironically, how I spent much of my life.

Hiney can sing "I Miss My Time with You" and AC may at this time, lip sync to Milli Vanilli or perhaps the song, "Ah, Push It" with Hodges doing the beat box. If Neal can make it, Neal gets the beat box gig and Hodges is out. But Hodge we still need you to improv with Adam on the "Ah, Push It" number.

But "Ah Push It" needs to be incorporated with Jon's song bc if not, that one is too sad.

Processional - I want my boys to lead into the room and slowly march down the aisle in a somber manner. Hopefully by then, some of you will be in wheelchairs, which will heighten the effect. And I want them playing Taps...with kazoos. With any luck, you'll be doing the thing where you try and keep a straight face and you end up laughing through the kazoo. If you drop it, you have to whistle the rest. That's the plan but don't force it! Keep a straight face and play your kazoo or whistle. And the piece will speak for itself.

Reading of God's Word: Not sure yet what this might be but perhaps something from Song of Solomon. Or Job. TBD If its Song of Solomon, I want Levy reading. Make sure its Levy.

Reading of Toom's last message to those left behind: To be read by Ben Harris. Just because.

I haven't written this yet but I know how it'll start. "I always thought I could do a better job speaking than most preachers. Now I finally get my chance." I'll probably speak on continual reformation.

Song: When We All Get to Heaven - to be sung like good Baptists, revival style. Led by Ben Harris.

Ben finishes with the last words from the departed Toom. "I'll be having lots of fun up here, but I'll be anxiously awaiting your arrival and if they let me, I'll probably hasten it with my new super-natural powers."

Open mic: Share your favorite story. You must incorporate either a) a road trip, b) something funny I did or said, or c) that time I was nice to you. If you can't think of something along those lines, then that's your clue that I don't want you speaking at my funeral.

Examples: Jebo may take a shine to the time the old hotel guy shook fecal water all over our beds. Haynes/Hindson may tell a New York story about dancing in the park. Actually, DO tell the park story. That was one of the highlights.

3 people only, if you can find that many, and keep it short. The only thing worse than a long funeral is a long wedding. I want to hear something nice, but I chances are, I have a pressing tee time at Augusta National - Pearly Gates Course.

Video: Toom's favorite Seinfeld clips. Also, if anyone in attendance wants to re-enact a scene from the show, now is the appropriate time.

Song: At this time, I would like my brother-in-law, aka "Double Doozie", to sing something from the heart but I know it'll only turn pornographic so we'll bypass this portion of the service. Suffice to say, the wristwatch ain't what it used to be either. (print this in the program)

Prayer: OK, to say I want Ben to do this would be bad because SOME of my pallbearers will start giggling. You know who you are. I'll have none of that during my funeral prayer. Stidham will pray.

Song: UGA medley. Led by someone who knows the words, if he's up for it, my boy Tucker. To be sung as if you've had too much to drink and them Dawgs just won the National Championship.

Prior to the song, announce with all sincerity and somberness, "Please remove or conceal any orange at this time out of respect for all the Dawgs who have gone on before us."

And with that, I'm out.