I'm In Trouble.

Big trouble. See, I have been hanging out with Jesus a lot lately, and he's just about ruined my life.

You know how your mother always said to stay away from certain friends, the guys who would be in trouble constantly and get you in trouble too? OK, I did a pretty good job of keeping my nose clean as a kid, but now I'm running with JC and I'm getting into trouble left and right. Like I'm in high school and hanging out with the wrong crowd. Only its Jesus, how can that be? I think if a lot of people knew him, I mean really knew what he is like, they wouldn't want anything to do with him.

I know I can stop hanging out with him if I choose, but somehow I can't. It's like I'm addicted now. Like I want to be independent and free from his ... mindgames. But there's this part of me that won't let it happen. The dumb and pitiful me needs him around all the time, like a crutch. When I'm at my lowest. The smart and assertive me wants to break away and live my life. Or is it the other way around? I just don't know anymore. He said that I should be more and more like him as we spend more time together and he's right. It's terrifying, but he's definitely right.

I'm not sure how or exactly when it happened. People know Jesus, heck, everyone I know knows him. He is one of those guys that is really famous - I'm sure you've heard of him ... and people know him, but you know how some people know someone famous and some people CLAIM to know someone famous? Well, trust me when I say, I'm not bragging … and I know him. I'm not bragging because it hasn't been all that pleasant.

Like when you see a celebrity out in New York somewhere. "Hey, yeah, I know Bob Dylan. No, I guess he wouldn't remember my name, but I met him at a bar in New York. No, we didn't speak, but he nodded at my general direction." Yeah, see, that guy doesn't know Bob Dylan. Someone who knows Dylan might have some negative things to say about him, "Yeah, Bob never knows when to leave. It's midnight, I'm out of beer, thanks to him, and he is still hanging out, stuck on his 'Dang, I miss the 60s' bit." OK, THAT guy knows Dylan.

Well, in that way, I know Jesus. He doesn't know when to leave, he doesn't know when to be quiet, and he doesn't know boundaries. Boundaries, you know, those personal things that you have and they're sacred cows to you, and you don't want anyone messing with them. You have this thing in your house and it looks really normal and some friend keeps playing with it, not realizing how important this thing is to you? That's Jesus. And not only that, he always messes it up, or suggests how these things might be better. Like I really want to hear that. "You know, you might want to consider putting this in the garbage instead of your mantle." "Yeah, great idea, Jesus. It only took me a lifetime to get that thing the way I want it. Throw it in the trash, great idea." Or he'll say, "I think this rare and valuable piece of art should be on the floor so the kids can play with it, what good is it to you up here?" I am certainly not rich, but I have a lot of stuff and it has taken me awhile to get it. This guy? He doesn't appreciate any of my things - and doesn't understand their importance. The guy is crazy and has this way of getting under your skin and affecting your view.

OK, back up with me a minute. If you know him, you wouldn't know this but if you KNOW him, you're well aware. Cause I knew him, and it was great. I'd mention his name, even casually, and I'd get in places. They say that knowing him will cost you something but I never saw that - it was the ticket to privileges. "Did I mention I know JC?" "Right this way, sir, you should've said so before." But, then you get to know him as a person and that all changes. Actually KNOWing him doesn't carry those kind of perks, it can actually take them away. I don't know, we would see each other, every now and then, and then one night, I couldn't tell you when it was, we end up having this conversation. Not this,

T: "Oh there's J, I need to speak to him so I can tell people we ran into each other."
T: "What up, J?"
J: "Hey, Toom, man I miss seeing you around, we need to get together."
T: "I know, let's put it down. Are you going to Athens Saturday?"
J: "I'm always in Athens, bro."
T: "Yep, (where were you last year at the Auburn game, smart guy) see you there."
J: "You know, Toom, I'll pretty much be everywhere you go, just find me and we'll hook up."
T: "Uh, ok, JC. Maybe we'll run into you Saturday."

You know how everyone says how friendly he seems and how he says this to everyone? I never believed it, the part about wanting to hang out, because you know, he's God and all, but it is true! He stands around with that smile on his face and every now and then, he'll say something, and you'll say something. It is a little awkward. A bit of advice, don't get him started. He may look like he doesn't have much to say, but if you go deep with him, it is all over. And he really is that friendly, almost irritatingly so. And at first, when I realized it, I thought, how awesome is it that he wants to hang out with me. Only, I'm no one special because he does this with everyone. Then, of course, he won't go away.

So we get into this conversation, that wasn't so surfacey and he talks about how he can change this and help that, and I thought this is great! The better I get to know him, the more doors will open for me. So I began to talk to him on a regular basis. I started listening and I have to tell you, he made sense. I mean, if the guy were in sales, he'd make a million bucks and if I'm any example, we'd all be addicts. You start doing what he says, and boom, suddenly, you're hooked. I'm reading the paper the other day, and every article I read, I'm asking what he would think about this. It is SO irritating, like the song you can't get out of your head.

It has gotten to the point where I can't really function without him. "JC, its me, can you come over? I have to ask you about something." I start to clean up a little and he's there. I swear, I think he drives around just waiting for me to call him. And he talks about his father as if he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. You know those pathetic guys who say, "My dad would say this" or "My dad has a lot of money" or "My dad once played pro ball." With J, it is so much worse. "My Father has a house and there are mansions in his house." What? Then with the real estate, something about 1,000 hills and how he's in the beef and dairy business? JC has serious Daddy issues.

The audacity is when he's telling me that all my stuff is really his dad's and then that I should give some of it back. Sounds crazy when I'm thinking straight and you'll think I'm nuts when I tell you. I actually do it! Yep, I'm telling you, he can be very convincing. Before I know it, I buy the whole thing. And I'm a tough nut to crack, pretty cynical. JC is like a hypnotist, before long, I buy into him saying his father owns all my stuff, and that I should give some of it back, out of gratitude that he is letting me use it.

But that is the tip of the iceberg. I don't have a whole lot going for me, and yet Jesus makes it sound like I've won the Lotto. I'm not talking about money now, but relationships, thinking, my "favored" position in the grand scheme of things. I have to tell you, he could be a great football coach because he has me buying it. And then, when I get down on myself, he shows up, and reminds me of all the blessings I've been granted. I have to admit I like this part. Then the other shoe drops and he starts telling me what to do. "Since you've been given these things by my dad and since I've done all this for you, could you show us your gratitude by telling some people? Could you turn every situation, every conversation to me? Could you dwell on my book and view everything in light of what it says?" And I sit there and think, "Well, he has a point. Sure, I'll do it, JC. Whatever you say." I think he is running some type of pyramid scheme, just waiting for you to admit you like him and then he drops the Amway on you.

I'm still my own man, sometimes, don't get me wrong. I tell him, too. "Look dude, enough. I'm going to do my own thing right now and you're going to have to leave." And he does, and to his credit, he doesn't seem hurt by it. One time, I told him, and he goes out in the yard and starts talking to my neighbor. I got up the next day, and they're still out there. I felt so bad, I let him back in. It was no big deal to him, he just picked up right where we left off. "You might want to think about this, or that." He didn't tone it down one bit. But I have to tell this, things were so bad in that brief period of time that he was outside, I was scared to kick him out again. Then, I start to leave for work, and he just casually walks around to the passenger side and gets in.

He spent the day in my office. Really strange.

Makes no bones about it either. When I'm at my weakest, he really pounces. "Eventually, I want every day to be like this. Where I'm with you the whole time. When you let me call the shots. When you take my counsel. When you do what I ask and you are talking with my father all the time." "Ok, JC, that's fine. But the other day when I woke up and you were standing by the bed, is that really necessary? You're really starting to freak me out, man."

He's big on correcting my perception of him, too. Back when I thought I knew him, I developed this picture of what would be important, you know, what made him tick. He smiles at those, "Yeah, I don't know why people think that about me, but that's just not true." And he opens that book of his and pretty much points it out in there. Leaves me thinking how all those guys got the wrong idea about him. Of course, I had that book too and didn't quite understand it, or didn't read it, but it's all in there. And I've tried that business about telling others what he shows me? It goes over like a lead balloon. I asked him one time,

Toom: "J, you know how I knew you before and everyone thought I was cool?"
Jesus: "Yes, a lot of people throw my name around."
Toom: "Well, I told some guys at church that they had you all wrong, just like you said."
Jesus: "And?"
Toom: "And they laughed at me, and then got ticked. I told them we were friends now and they said it was obvious that I didn't know you at all."
Jesus: "Hahaha!"
Toom: "See. I didn't really find that funny."
Jesus: "I know those guys. They're old friends of mine, but they don't come by much anymore."
Toom: "So, they don't believe me."
Jesus: "Well, things've changed."
Toom: "You've changed?"
Jesus: "No, that's not it. It has been so long since they've been by and they've just forgotten some things. And there's so much out there attributed to me, they slowly start to forget and in place, they learn all this other stuff that is … well, not really about anything."
Toom: "Well, next time you see them, could you vouch for me?"

He's digging in the pantry and pretends he doesn't hear me.

Toom: "Hey, are you deaf? I said, help a brother out. Tell those guys I'm legit, that I was only doing what you asked me to do!"

He starts to eat my Pringles. He always eats the junk food, claims he's actually helping me by keeping me from eating it.

CRUNCH! CRUNCH! (Pauses and pretends he's considering it)
Jesus: "Nah"
Toom: "What do you mean, 'nah'?"
Jesus: "Well, I'll tell my dad we talked, how's that? Dude, I'm starving, fire up the stove and I'll take that Bratwurst off your hands."
Toom: "You're Jewish!!!"
Jesus: "I'm also the reason why the old dietary restrictions are rendered moot through my sacrificial death on the cross, in case you forgot. Now get off your butt and make me some sausage. Unless of course, you don't think the imputation of my righteousness in place of your sinful, condemned soul was enough to..."
Toom: "Ok, Ok. Man, you're a real pain. While I do that, can you change some of this water into some Dale's Pale?"
Jesus: "Was propitiation not enough for you Toom? I'm retired from the miracle biz. Besides, you need to be completely lucid while you concentrate on my supper. The eggs yesterday were a bit too runny. Throw some of this cheese on there, too, while you're at it. This stuff will kill you, Mr. High Cholesterol. I'm adding years to your life, here."
Toom: "Yes, thank you for eating all my food."
Jesus: "Eat some celery and be silent! What's this, my portly, Anglo, adopted brother of mine who needs to drop about 25? WHOLE milk?"

So he starts drinking my milk and just when I couldn't take it anymore, he goes into all this other about how the way it works is you're not supposed to have it made just because you know him. He says, knowing him should be enough.

Toom: "Dude, don't you think if you changed it up, everyone would want to know you? Provided some perks so everyone would seek after you?"
Jesus: "No. Well, yes, but they wouldn't really want me, they'd be after the perks."
Toom: "But…"
Jesus: "Toom, why do YOU want to hang out with me?"
Toom: "Honestly, I guess I wanted the good life."
Jesus: "Wanted?"
Toom: "Yeah, I changed somewhere along the way, to where I needed to see you. To talk, to spend time. I needed to feel all these things. And I guess…"
Jesus: "You guess what?"
Toom: "I guess, I want to now. I know you can be a royal pain and turn my life upside down, but all you've done for me has shifted by time with you from all that stuff to where I just need and want you here. I know we're two dudes and all and I know you said this a long time ago and I looked at you funny. But, I've gotten to the point where can honestly say ... I love you."
Jesus: "Queer!!! No, I'm kidding. Actually, that's the point. And you never would have realized that had all this been about giving you everything you want."
Toom: "I still don't really see what you get out of it."
Jesus: "Yeah, me neither. This whole thing was Dad's idea. Seriously, though, I feel the same way, I have loved you since, well, since before you were born. I knew we would become close - it just took you some time. And by the way, you still have no clue how much dad and I really do love you."
Toom: "See, there you go again with all that mystical stuff. I don't get it."
Jesus: "I keep saying, Toom, gotta think spiritual, not physical. All this you can see - its not the important stuff. Dad looks at the heart."
Toom: "JC, its all I have! I can see all these things that you say matter very little. What I can't see is the spiritual, the heart of man, my own heart! I can't see all that stuff! Show me something real."

Then he hugs me and says he knows I can't see it, that I'll just have to trust him.

And the crazy thing is, I do.